*This book was set the be published by the publisher of my first book, but after years of struggle and many other reasons, I decided to release it on Substack instead. Each week, the 52,000 word book which was tentatively titled “Be A Force” will be dropped here online. The sections will start with number 1 and then progress over the 52 weeks of the next year. The Chapter title will be placed in the post description for clarity.
At my hypnotherapist’s office many years later, I would find a chart I wish I’d had when working on my new self, this model (linked below) clearly illustrates the stages of change. I wish I had seen it much earlier—this tool would have saved me beating myself up, knowing that backslides are part of the natural transformation process. The transtheoretical model of stages of change was developed for people who were attempting to quit smoking. I share it with you now so it hopefully alleviates some suffering for you too, if like me, you’re admonishing yourself. In it, one can clearly see that relapses or backslides are part of establishing change permanently. There is humility in seeing that the maintenance never ends, humility in acknowledging that some of us may just always be fighting that itch to do something that may compromise our relationship with ourselves.
If you’re at the part of the journey where you feel the shame shower, where you feel angry at yourself for a backslide, as I did, here are a few practical things that may help:
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory has been around for a long time. John Bowlby, looked at how the bonds we form with our primary caregivers shape the way we connect with people for the rest of our lives. And then Mary Ainsworth built on this work by actually identifying the different attachment styles through her research. Attachment theory explains how we make sense of relationships as adults, based on how we were loved—or maybe not loved—by our primary caregivers growing up and other profound experiences throughout our lives. There are three major attachment styles that have made their way into pop culture largely to do with dating, which is why they’re relevant to the story and the work on boundaries we are exploring in this chapter. Your attachment style can have a profound effect on not just the romantic relationships you choose as adults but also in the work environments you choose to say in and the friends you keep.
Secure attachment.
This attachment style is often associated with people who love wholeheartedly. They know how to express love and affection. They are often characterised as growing up in an environment where their emotional needs were met. They trust that others will be there for them, they feel safe being emotionally open, and they’re able to set healthy boundaries without fear of losing the relationship. They also do not feel smothered by commitment and affection.
Anxious attachment
Anxious attachment is characterised by a deep fear of abandonment. This is where you may have had a primary caregiver who was basically a rollercoaster—love was there, and then it wasn’t, and then it was again. So as adults, that kind of back-and-forth becomes familiar in every part of our bodies, including our nervous system. We end up constantly worrying about whether the people we love are going to leave. Abandonment is a core fear for us and love feels fleeting and never satisfying. People with anxious attachment can really struggle to ask for what they need or set boundaries, especially when they become attached to people who have an avoidant attachment style.
