20. Chapter 5
Diversion: How Unresolved Grief and Trauma Take Us Away from Ourselves
*This book was set the be published by the publisher of my first book, but after years of struggle and many other reasons, I decided to release it on Substack instead. Each week, the 52,000 word book which was tentatively titled “Be A Force” will be dropped here online. The sections will start with number 1 and then progress over the 52 weeks of the next year. The Chapter title will be placed in the post description for clarity.
There is No Time Stamp on Grieving
You can never judge someone or even put pressure on yourself over the speed of the grieving process because every single person and situation is different. In the wake of my father’s passing and requests from relatives to behave in a way that may have worked for them, adopting their approach wreaked havoc on my nervous system for decades to come. My loss is often still painful when I achieve something I wish my parents could see or if I went to a country I would have loved to take them to. Grief specialist Gina Moffa says: “You’re going to be grieving the rest of your days in different intensities and different ways. It comes up on anniversaries and birthdays and holidays and days that only you know with somebody and so it will return to your nervous system and you’re going to be re-living that.”
What We Can for Those That are Grieving
If you have experienced loss, you will know the moment where you are sitting in your emotional mess but trying to look happy on the outside. It’s a complete disconnection of the self. You almost mask your grief so as not to make others uncomfortable. This means severing the relationship you have with yourself. And what happens often during this time is that someone says they “understand” how you feel. This can be extremely triggering for the griever. I remember also having my loss minimized, being told six months after my father’s death, “How can you still be sad, Simone? There are children in Africa who are starving. You have so much to be grateful for.” These comments can often be re-traumatizing. So, what can we do for the griever? Allow them to honour the person they are grieving. Refrain from saying you understand their loss, simply try and hold the space and listen. This may help to make it less awkward for everyone. Ask them what they loved about their late relative or special person.
Unblocking Unprocessed Trauma
The pain surrounding loss exists but sometimes can be so profound that we do not want to go near it. Here’s how Gina suggests unblocking unresolved issues if you suspect this is you: “There are essentially two ways to unblock. One is to talk about it, and the other is to release the energy of grief in the body.” She works with clients to regulate their nervous system, to get them to sit and be calm enough to feel what they need to feel. She recommends EMDR, somatic experiencing, yoga for grief and art therapy to help people who are invested in unlocking grief from the body. Talk therapy is of course recommended for those who feel like that’s the best way they can excise their grief.
Another approach for unresolved grief in the workplace, such as the pain of demotion, losing out on a promotion or being moved to a different team, is described in a paper for McKinsey by Charles Dhanaraj and George Kholrieser. Here’s their simple model for attempting to resolve grief in a healthier way:
1) Become consciously aware of the problem.
2) Accept the pain of the loss (Don’t numb and avoid it)
3) Take action to let go of the past so new meaning can be found from the experience.
Physical Survival Care
Maybe you’re not grieving but someone around you is. Something you can easily do to support those experiencing loss in your circle is to help them with their basic physiological needs. Satiating these can go a long way to improving their mood. Our basic needs like nutrition, hydration, sleep and so forth are vital during the exhausting mourning process. I remember when I was organizing my dad’s funeral as a student and my only saving grace was that I got time off class to do so. Most working adults do not have this luxury—they are working full-time, juggling childcare and funeral costs and may not be able to take unpaid leave. The whole process is so stressful, Moffa suggests that caring for these basic needs is one of the first things to be dropped when someone is dealing with loss. “They forget to drink water, to eat protein and they’re rarely sleeping.” She suggests that getting into nature is vital for these individuals. If you don’t feel adept at handling the psychological needs of those grieving around you, see if you can step in with healthy meals, supplements, booking them a massage or even offering support for childcare.
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